AUTHENTICITY..what does it truly mean and how do you live it out? That's a question I've asked myself a lot lately. Much of which I am about to share with you is not known by many. Nevertheless, I feel drawn by God to share it now. Not because there is any need for me or my family to receive sympathy or empathy from anyone. Instead, because God has made me realize others are also upon a journey - a life detour, if you will. Perhaps not the same journey as our own, but a journey of enlightenment none the less. So I write this with the understanding God will use my words and feelings to touch others and inspire them to reach new heights and gain a deeper understanding for the true meaning of life.
"Do You Trust Me, Maria?"
That was the question God asked me more than 2 years ago. It wasn't the first time He asked that question in my lifetime. But it was at a time when I was experiencing trials in every area of my life. I refer to it as my Job year. If you're not familiar with the story of Job, he was a child of God who was truly blessed in every way. But Satan came to God and said "Let me test him to determine his true faith in You". God agreed, but told Satan the one thing He would not allow was for Job to be killed. Job entered a period where everything that was at peace was turned upside down. He lost everything of true meaning to him - his children, livelihood, even his health. His wife told him it would have been better if God never created him. Job was at the bottom of bottoms. He had no more to give to life or to anyone around him. This could easily have been the end of his story. But not for Job, he leaned on his faith in God and cried out "I will love you and serve you even in the darkest of my hours". That is the exact response God knew Job would cry out and it was that cry that ushered in God's divine plan for Job's life.My Job year (2016) was filled with so much pain and utter chaos I didn't know what to do with it all. I had nearly a year of unexplained health issues that ultimately led to kidney failure, career obligations that required 50-60 hour work weeks at a time when I was physically at my weakest, and heart wrenching betrayals by individuals I trusted and held dear to my heart. It felt like the world was screaming at me day and night and it wouldn't stop. Much like Job, I fell apart - for a moment - and then I rose again.
"How Much Do You Trust Me?"
Now that was a question God had never asked me before. Yet, He asked it again and again during my Job year and the year after (2017) so I finally said to a close friend "I think God is about to bring an enormous trial into my life. One like I've never experienced before." A trial that based upon my reactions would either strengthen or destroy me.Then it came....I was unemployed for the first time in my life, my husband was diagnosed with throat cancer, and many other critical health issues arose for members of our family who we love and adore. It left me asking God "What's happening? Why so many trials in such a short period of time? Don't You love us? Aren't You there?". Most people would see this as a continuation of my Job year but it most definitely was not. At this point, God had begun to reveal the true meaning of my life detour. "Maria, I need you to see Me in ways you have never thought to see Me. I need you to hear My voice and see the movement of My hand in the smallest of things around you".
No...I didn't magically wake up one morning and say I get it. I'll let go of everything, both small and great, and trust God totally and without question. Instead, it's been a daily journey where some days I take enormous steps forward and other days I cry out to God "Help me to understand what you want of me so I can do it".
Living under God's grace means not beating yourself up when you get it wrong - that's why Jesus died on a cross so you wouldn't pay for your sins. So many of us, myself included, hold ourselves prisoner to the mistakes of our present or past. But God doesn't. He knows the covenant He designed for us. Where we rise and fall in our daily actions but are covered in forgiveness through the blood of Jesus Christ. He gets it...we are human and therefore we make mistakes. His desire is that we rise up and say "I got it wrong, or I'm lost, or I hurt because of what's happened to me" which allows Him to cover us in a blanket of understanding, peace, and love. But most importantly, GRACE.
I'm In Control, Said God
Giving control to someone else, such as a God we've never physically seen, can be uncomfortable and unnerving. It forces us to decide if we truly are willing to let go of ever area of our lives in order to trust that God not only exists but that He will guide ALL things as He has intended them to be. The trials before Eddie and I may have caught us by surprise, but they most definitely did not catch God by surprise. He knew He would allow them to enter our life so we would grow stronger in our understanding of Him and the destiny He designed for each of us.Blessings In The Darkness
Although each day Eddie and I face is different, God reveals Himself in small or great ways. He reveals the blessings of His love even if for the moment we are traveling through the valley of darkness. Some days are harder than others. Especially, when you look into the eyes of the man you love and you see the toll cancer is taking upon him. The once active man is now moving slow and his face doesn't have the glow it use to. But this too, as with all trials in our lives, will last but a moment. Until it passes, we will love each day for the moments of grace we experience, for the lessons learned on this journey, and for the acceptance of grace that allows us to realize not every day will be a good day but if we try we can still find something good in every day.To God be the glory for the journey we are upon and the many ways it will make us wiser, stronger, and more humble of heart. I pray this message will reach those of you God has said "This is for them!!!".
